Stay
by Vilian
Summary: This is the biggest mistake in Jyn's life: drunk night with Cassian. Or is it really? Is a runaway truly necessary? So many unanswered questions, so many unnamed feelings, so little strength to deal with it all.


Stars, this has to be _the most stupid thing_ she ever did in her whole life. It's not just a mistake, it's a _catastrophe of epic proportions_. A girl should never, _ever_ go to bed with her best friend - not to mention, the only friend, her only support and lifeline. But that's apparently just the way Jyn Erso lives: leaving destruction behind wherever she may appear. Because she knows, she _just knows_ she has just destroyed the most precious thing that has happened to her in years - a real friendship. How could she be so careless? It'd be so easy to just blame the relief, the celebration, heat of the moment, number of drinks she had; still, it's just not like her to let the hormones or the alcohol do the thinking. It's only the combat where her body is allowed to act on its own, when she relies on its instincts; otherwise, it's her mind that's _the boss_. And her mind has betrayed her yesterday, as it simply refused to cooperate properly and turned chaste friendly hug into frantic public kissing and groping and a very hurried retreat to a more private place.

To say that Jyn was relieved by the wipeout of Death Star would be an understatement of a century. She could _finally_ mourn properly for her family, mourn for the people who had to die because of that superweapon; she could finally _laugh_ too, with heart so light as that of the innocent little girl that used to live on Lah'mu. She really wasn't able to control her emotions at that point, so when Cassian found her over at the impromptu celebratory party she was already quite tired from laughing and crying, and far from sober. It's not like he didn't have a bunch of drinks too many either; suddenly their Scarif mission was renamed, turned from _brainless failure_ to _amazingly well planned success_ and became a reason to congratulate, to cheer, to force even more beverages of various strength on them. When they finally met, they fell into each others' arms, just happy seeing each other, happy enjoying such simple closeness of two people who came to and went from the very edge of death, together. This time though, it felt different. This time some kind of energy went back and forth between them both, maybe because of the excitement atmosphere _around them_ , or maybe because of feeling of excitement _inside them_. Surprisingly simultaneously but still hesitantly, very shyly at first, Jyn and Cassian reached out for a kiss; a sloppy, drunk kiss, but quickly turning into one full of passion, of pure lust long overdue to be released. Unaware of their surroundings, of the tipsy crowd, they were already letting their hands to boldly wander each others' bodies and only an "Get a room, people!" yell and accompanying outbursts of laughter sobered them enough to acknowledge what was it that they were doing - or where. It wasn't enough to stop them from thinking about continuing and soon in silent agreement they were literally _running_ towards Cassian's quarters.

Door behind them barely closed, and they already were in the middle of undressing process, pausing just for more wet hungry kisses. How come she didn't stop then and there, why did she think of this as _the best possible way_ of celebrating their survival? Why did Cassian think so too; always so composed, so clear-headed, why did he act like he suddenly had lost his mind to this erupt of desire? Was it just a mere coincidence or was something building up in them since the minute they met? Jyn would definitely ask herself those questions - _if she was able to_. The pleasure Cassian was giving her, the pleasure she simply wanted to give in return, took away her ability to actually think at all. Instead, she focused all of herself on sating their needs, on being sated, on the joy and the laughter, on their mixed whispers and cries in Basic and Festian, on the vivid sparkles in Cassian's eyes, on his amazing touch and his whole lean body. Over and over again, she felt like if there was nothing more intense than the very moment, and over and over again he was proving that there could be; she was doing same to him too. Finally, they collapsed on the spot, completely spent but satisfied in a way neither Jyn nor Cassian has ever experienced before, and fell asleep immediately.

.

.

.

A _headache_. Why does the hangover always start with a splitting headache? Well, actually it starts with way _too many drinks_ the night before, Jyn lazily thinks, before realizing with a shock where she actually is. She is lying sprawled on top of Cassian's chest, they're both ignoring pillows, sheets or blankets, half of that stuff on the floor anyway; both are stark naked, their clothes scattered all over the place; the final kick in the gut being that the place is Cassian's room and this is Cassian's bunk they're occupying. Force, last evening took a really, _really_ wrong direction, didn't it? The memories of those long and rather wild hours bring Jyn shame, _a lot of shame_. How could she do that? How could she use her only friend _for her own pleasure_? From now on things between them are going to be _awkward_ to say at least, she is sure of that. She won't be able to look Cassian in the eye without recalling how his wonderfully alive body felt under her fingers, how it felt when moving over her own body or _inside it_. And won't he be always reminded of her naked body even when looking at her fully clothed? Her face goes hot and probably red too, and with a suspicious pang in her heart Jyn thinks it's just as a good time to leave the Rebellion as any other. She was offered freedom and she is going to take Mothma's word seriously; after all the Death Star - _project Stardust_ \- doesn't exist anymore, is a threat to lives no more, partially thanks to her involvement. It is a time to move away now, step by step: first from this bed, then from Cassian's room - another _suspicious_ pang at this thought - then from the base and finally from the moon, as far as possible from leftovers of her father's creation, from Rebellion, from _Cassian_.

Slowly, to not disturb the sleeping man, Jyn crawls away from him. She's hesitant to leave the bunk _just yet_ though, and she doesn't know why. Maybe because it's a really pleasant feeling, to be so close to someone you literally trust with every aspect of your life? She doubts he may feel the same when he wakes up with her by his side; she was supposed to be a _friend_ , not a _sex predator_ first preying on his drunken state, preying on his guilty conscience later. Cassian has enough issues with his past, she shouldn't add herself to this burden of his. They were so very close, since before Scarif even, and she will miss him, she will grieve over their friendship she lost, but she just has to go, to not remind him with her presence of her own stupid recklessness. At this very moment though, she just stares at him and is amazed how calm he looks like now; so young, so carefree and almost _innocent_. She's used to the expression males usually carry when falling asleep after having sex, drunk or not, but this seems different; sweeter and more genuine. She wonders briefly, what is it that he may be dreaming of, making him look so _joyful_? But she has no more time for such musings or for kriffing headache. Jyn Erso has to disappear, the faster the better, leaving yet another disaster behind her. She gets up, shuddering at the unpleasant contact of bare feet with cold stone floor, trying to forget that in the evening the floor didn't seem to be _that_ cold.

Jyn tiptoes around the semi-dark room, gathering her clothes, trying not to recall how they ended up _so mangled_ and in so many corners; or, how she ended up _so sore_ in so many places. Apparently she still didn't recover properly from Wobani undernourishment and Scarif wounds, so she tries not to delve too deep into other reasons for muscle or tendon stiffness; instead, she smirks at the bitter memory of Wobani and the first treatment she has underwent there, a contraception implant injection. Each female prisoner had one according to their species needs, so that some overeager guards or overly active male prisoners wouldn't make anyone pregnant - thus ineffective at work. Who would've thought that such a horrid experience as being sent to Imperial labour camp can have quite an _useful_ side effect? This way there won't be any traces of this night left, apart of memories a tad too sweet; Cassian's beautiful dark eyes looking straight into her soul were _the most incredible thing_ she's ever seen, and she _doesn't want to_ erase it from memory, no matter if she really _should to_ or not.

After dressing up in a haste, Jyn finally manages to find her boots, each tossed in different direction, and with boots in hand she's ready to leave. She's right in front of the door, when she hears rustling on the bunk behind her and she tenses, only a step away from _freedom,_ just a step from hiding away her shame forever. She hears the rustling again and holds her breath, hoping she can still have an easy exit from this mess.

"You don't have to go." Even though Jyn already suspected Cassian may be awake, his slightly raspy voice still surprises her, and she stays frozen in place.

"Stay with me, please." What a curious form of such a plea. Why didn't he just ask her to _stay here_ instead? But then, what's the difference? He probably just tries to be _polite_ , and it really doesn't matter now. She has to go. Jyn braces herself for bolting out the door as soon as she opens it. Surely he won't chase her, especially in public, naked, barefoot? Is there really a reason for him to chase after her anyway?

Then she hears a noise and feels sudden movement behind her; Cassian's arms encircle her, keeping her gently yet firmly in place. Jyn freezes again, unable to move, to talk, to breathe. She discovers she'd love to stay like that forever, feeling warm and so very _safe_ in this embrace, and the realization deepens her stupor even more. It feels so right to be where she is now, like if she belongs. But she doesn't, and she has to go, but she can't force her body to actually move from the spot it fits so well into: her back against Cassian's chest, her head under his chin, herself whole immensely secure in his arms, enveloped in warmth and care.

"Don't go. We did nothing wrong, you don't have to be on the run again. Do you really want to run away from here? From me?"

It's a tough question to answer, because Jyn does want to run away - and yet, she doesn't. And she has no idea how to explain this, neither to herself, nor to Cassian, who obviously already knows this isn't about just a retreat to her own quarters. Painfully slowly she takes a breath, and then another, and slowly turns around in his arms to look him in the eyes, even though she's pretty sure it'll break her heart. She's not a person who gives up on friends easily, but this case is just so agonizingly _hopeless_ , even more than most of her life was - or rather _is_ , again.

Jyn faces Cassian not really knowing what to expect from him. His voice sounded like he has sobered completely so at least they won't be having a drunken conversation, and that's probably a good thing. But what else? He again looks like his older, more serious, sadder self, and it saddens her too - she catches herself on the thought that she actually liked that new, happy, relaxed Cassian. In silence, faking calm, they stare at each other for a moment, trying to read what's on the other's mind. But while that often did work for them, it's not going to work _today_. Today they will have to talk, and that scares the shit out of Jyn, but since she was too slow to sneak out in time, she will be the one to quickly start the cleaning up.

"I'm sorry for yesterday. That shouldn't ever happen. We should be smarter than this."

Cassian still gives her an impassive stare, the one she hates so much from the very start, but she continues.

"My mission here is over. Death Star is no more, Rogue One is no more, Rebellion doesn't mean a thing to me. It's time for me to go, Cassian."

"How about me? Do I mean nothing too?" Cassian's mask falls apart before Jyn's very own eyes and she wants to scream seeing so much pain in his face, in his eyes. How could she be so stupid to think he won't mind her just walking out of his life? They are friends, for Force's sake, their bond stronger than many of blood bonds she's seen. Or is there something else, too close and yet too far to comprehend?

Before her mind can sink into pondering, her body again acts on its instincts and Jyn just drops her boots down with a _thud_ and throws her own arms around Cassian's waist, hugging him fiercely, burying her face in his chest.

"Don't be dumb, Cassian. You are my most important person in the whole universe. It's just that I think yesterday we, well, did something... fun, but rather unnecessary. And I was afraid that maybe... maybe we won't be able to be back at being friends again? That you wouldn't want to see me again?"

She feels how his chest moves, how deeply he sighs.

"Jyn, look at me. Please?"

She draws back a bit and looks up, afraid what she may see this time. There's a crooked smile on Cassian's lips, and his eyes are darker than ever, and Jyn feels her heart squeezing, because she knows something is coming.

"I'm afraid that we won't be able to be friends anymore, that's true."

Jyn's breath hitches and she starts to struggle, tries to get out of the embrace. She needs to flee, _now_.

"Let me finish, please! Don't go, I want you as close to me as possible. I want to see you whenever I can, always, because... because I love you."

Jyn abruptly stops the fighting, all the energy leaving her in an instant. If not for Cassian's arms she wouldn't be able to stand on her own, her body running on the fumes, her mind using up any strength she may have left. What is that he just said? What does that mean to her, to him, to their friendship?

"I don't want us to be friends, not _only_. I want you whole, as a friend and as a partner, as my loved one. I want to be with you until my dying day."

Jyn is totally confused. She has no idea how to respond; what to tell this man, how to not hurt him, how to not do more harm to herself? What are all those emotions swirling in her brain, clawing at her heart, eating her up alive?

"I know this is probably too much, but at first I thought it's too early to tell you such things, and today it can be already too late. If you still think you have to go, just go and don't turn around. You need to be happy. You are my most important person in the universe too, and if you are happy somewhere, then I'm happy too, even if far away from you."

Jyn gives the man an incredulous stare. Is it possible for someone, anyone, to be so selfless? To claim being _in love_ with a person and yet letting that person go? Is that what love really is? Her confusion rises. After all, just minutes ago she was ready to step back, to withdraw from his life if that would make Cassian feel better after the mistake they made, and it'd hurt her but she just wanted to spare him the awkwardness and pain of a friendship going down the drain. Would that be _love_ too? Is she actually _in love_ as well? So many unanswered questions, so many unnamed feelings, so little strength to deal with it all. Jyn's so drained physically and emotionally, that she just brainlessly let herself lean into Cassian's chest again, into safety of his warmth, ignoring whatever it may be that he thinks about it. But the only reaction of his is another deep sigh and tightening of the hug he still keeps her in. A part of Jyn's tired mind yells at her to run, to not prolong the agony, but most of it is just content and again sends to her consciousness a sense of belonging.

It's a strange mix, to feel so good and so bad at the same time. Jyn knows she just has to say something, but she has no idea what could that be, is it even possible to straighten up this totally twisted mess with just her words. Cassian confessed her his deepest feelings, but she doesn't even _know_ what are her own feelings, she doesn't know how to _name_ them. Where to start?

"I don't want to go." Jyn decides to start with things easiest to name, easiest to describe. She's not going to lie, and she doesn't want to involuntarily give different meaning to things she may not understand correctly either, so this is going to be very complicated. She has to try her best though, Cassian deserves it. Still, she doesn't look him in the eyes, she tries hard to memorize what she thinks may be their last hug instead; just stands so very still, surrounded by his arms, her forehead against his chest.

It is only now when Jyn finally notices that Cassian's hips are wrapped with a random sheet, and even though the atmosphere is heavy, she barely stifles a smile thinking where that particular sheet might've been found. After all, the bedding is literally everywhere, thanks to their nocturnal _activities_. _Maybe_ last night is a memory worth keeping as something to hold on to in worse times? She did have fun; what more, for those few hours she actually was feeling happy, cared for, and safe too; an unusual experience for something being just an adventure. Cassian seemed to enjoy their time together just as much, looking so playful, so much younger; is that why he threw his confession at her, to keep her in his bed? Then why she worries so much about how their relationship changes after them having sex together, maybe nothing could change at all?

Jyn's nerves are in tatters from all the thinking and the overwhelming ambivalence that shreds her mind. Before she can even try regaining any semblance of control, tiniest of sobs escapes her lips. In deafening silence of the room, the sound is incredibly loud and jolts Cassian from his reverie. Jyn is still pulling herself together, when he sweeps her off her feet and carries her back to his bunk. He lays her on her back gently and kneels beside the bed, waiting for Force knows what; for continuing their conversation most probably. But she really can't, she's so exhausted all she can do is to cover her eyes with one arm and quietly weep, tears sinking in her sleeve. Her numb senses belatedly inform her that Cassian holds her other hand in his both and tenderly brushes it with his thumbs. Should she allow it? Yet another tough question. It's an _intimate_ gesture, but then quite a bit of intimate is already past them; so why does it feel so awkward, why does she want to shy away from the touch - and yet it feels just all too good, too assuring?

"Whatever you may decide, I won't fight. Just don't cry anymore, it's not worth it." Cassian's accent grows stronger with emotions, almost like _yesterday_. His voice with such thickness added is so beautiful; but it's not the time or place for such musings, again.

"What is it exactly that you find not worth my tears?" Jyn gathers enough strength to use her voice again, even though hoarse from muffled crying, and she uncovers her eyes too, to look at him sideways. But she doesn't really feel like taking her palm out of his, and it's yet another mystery she doesn't want to solve: whether she has no more energy for that or just her hand fits there all too well.

"What is it, is that yourself, me, my stay, my escape, or last evening maybe?" She doesn't mean to be cruel but she really wants this conversation to be over. And it has to end with an agreement of some kind, a decision, and decisions should be based on facts. Not that she isn't already flooded with facts, loads of data waiting to be interpreted. But is there any interpretation needed for Cassian's look of a man broken, just seconds from falling apart completely? Her heart simply shatters at the sight. Kriff, enough with overthinking already, she was supposed to talk, and she will.

"I don't want to go. Don't want to leave you, never really wanted, because we had something important together. We still have _something_ , and I don't really know what is it now, or if we can repair it... but I can't live without you by my side."

Cassian just blinks, like if she was playing some sort of poor joke on him, like if he had no idea that she's unable to willingly cause him any pain. Jyn again relies on her instincts, rolling slowly on her side to face him directly and adding her free hand on top of their already joined ones. She squeezes them gently, hoping to force any reaction; but no, nothing changes. She is still facing the same look of utter despair as before, maybe with additional glossiness over his eyes - but that as well could be the case of her own tears still fresh.

"Cassian, do you hear me? I won't go anywhere. I just thought that running away would spare you some unpleasant conversations and watching our friendship falling apart." The irony of her own words is not lost on Jyn: they _are having_ an unpleasant conversation and their friendship _is falling apart_ anyway, no matter how hard she tried to avoid anything similar to _this_. But still there's no reaction from him, nothing at all, just that horrible expression of hopelessness. Jyn slowly props herself up on her elbow, trying hard to not accidentally yank away her hand from Cassian's grip, and reaches to his face with her other palm, touches his cheek with her fingertips only. She was afraid he'd flinch or otherwise show that her consoling gestures are unwelcome, but he just smiles; a tiny and bitter smile that makes her heart ache for him even more. Jyn's mind is firmly set on wiping this miserable expression off Cassian's face, and while she's ashamed of the stupid idea that suddenly came to her, it's something that may actually work, one way or the other. Anyhow, it's not like she has anything to loose now.

Her fingers slip from the man's cheek and slowly sneak lower, to his neck. Jyn hooks her hand around and pulls startled Cassian towards her, drawing him into a gentle kiss. Not really optimistic about the idea, she's surprised when he firmly returns the kiss. They both withdraw for air at the very same moment but stay close and in seconds end up with foreheads leaning against each other, somehow all this being so natural. Then there's that awkward silence in the room once more, just interrupted with slight panting and the noise makes Jyn smile, as it's equally embarrassing, funny, and _cute_ , all rolled into one. She moves back a bit, to be able to look Cassian in the eye, and to her surprise she sees his face crinkling with humour a little. A good sign, she thinks, a positive response to anything is better than bad one, or none at all. But what about the kiss? It was her fully conscious decision, not some sort of a drunken frolic, and she enjoyed it so much it almost scares her - _almost_. That obviously indicates something and she decides to follow the lead.

"I never wanted to make you suffer so much. It kills me to see you like that." Jyn's voice is barely above whisper, because she's afraid to chase away the warmth from Cassian's eyes again. She has to finally try and describe her emotions, and do it in a way they'd both understand. "I want to see you smiling and laughing, but I won't go away if you're sad or hurt. I want everything that's best for you. And this, this I want too" - and with such words she reaches carefully and tugs gently at the fabric around Cassian's hips, not trying to uncover him though.

"I'm not sure if this all is what you call _love_ , but if it is, then I love you too. And if not..." - Jyn takes a deep breath to brace herself for continuing - "...if not, I'll just walk away from your life, even if none of us wants it. It would be less painfull this way and..." She's interrupted by Cassian's lips fiercely claiming her own. Then he's on his feet and the sheet lands on the floor beside the bed. And all Jyn suddenly can think of is that she really wants Cassian now, she wants to embrace him whole, the mind and the body, and never let him go away. And by the looks of it, he thinks exactly same thing, his eyes burning bright not just with lust but mostly with something she reads as an utter commitment. He quickly joins her on the bunk, gathers her in his arms and covers her face with reverent kisses, whispering Festian sentences she seems to recall from the evening before. Jyn responds with caresses on her own and soon her clothes are back on the floor, joining the unfortunate bedding pieces again. Not that she cares, not now.

This is something entirely different from the make out few hours before. This time there's no alcohol to fuel the courage, so they take it slowly, with lots of shy smiles and sweet, soft kisses. The desire that burns just as strong as the evening before, today doesn't limit their senses. Jyn is fully aware of everything she's doing and feeling, and is in awe. How come it's even possible; sensations so strong, so many of them and yet the world around is not blurred, it's perfectly sharp and clear and so amazingly full of life. She feels so very alive too, a right person in right place; it's finally obvious to her that this is where she belongs. Her place is with Cassian, in every possible way, on so many different levels and his place is by her side, where he _always_ comes back; finally real happiness for both. Rest of their night is filled with whispers, with confessions and vows, and with love, until they fall asleep, completely exhausted physically and mentally.

In the morning, Jyn is once more the first to wake up, her naked body again draped over Cassian's sleeping form. Current arrangement doesn't shock her though, not this time. Actually, she's incredibly happy about it. She feels a rare thing: she's simply satisfied with life, she's safe, loved, and not too broken to return the love as well. It's more than she could ever dream of, especially after miraculous Scarif survival. It seemed to her that this was as far as her luck could go, just sheer lone survival. But Cassian survived too, and they were there for each other whenever they could, and it was already good. Finally this, pure bliss with him, so amazing it's almost unreal. And since the day he welcomed her home, she knows one thing: home is where Cassian is. So, she _stays home_ , because there are no reasons for her to run away anymore, there are only the reasons to stay. In another few hours they will be planning the evacuation, because it's just the Death Star that was destroyed, not the Imperial army. But wherever the new base may be created, on whatever planet, that's where exactly _home_ is going to be: together with Cassian. And Jyn _will stay_ , for sure.

* * *

 ** _A/N2:_** _No other reason behind the story than to get out of my head the image of Jyn sneaking out of somewhere in the middle of the night with her boots in hand. Personally have no such experiences, so don't know where this came from, but it was just begging to be used in a story, so here it is, a base for a story longer than I could expect at first. Also, writing and editing is a huge time-devouring monster, which is good. Keeps my thoughts from wandering off too far, into places too weird._


End file.
